I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
