i think my tv is drunk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
