Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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