yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
