How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
how drunk are you?
Several
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
