I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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