I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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