i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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