We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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