a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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