I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
