I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize