K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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