i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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