So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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