people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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