I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
