Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
