You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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