I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
