1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
