I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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