The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
