What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
