I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
