just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
