i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He passed out mid-signature
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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