I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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