Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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