Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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