is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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