just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
