I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
