She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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