was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
