i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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