this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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