Got a toothbrush?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
