I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
