Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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