god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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