I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
