My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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