I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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