I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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