You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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