Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
