My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
