my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
