She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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