Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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