Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
