we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
