I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
